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Posted By: TheCounselor™          In: Courtship & Relationship          571 Views         (Nov 27, 2017)

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A lot of people don’t feel the need to be accountable to their partners during their pre-marital relationships. Some even believes that when their partners demand for accountability from them, they see it as being overzealous and unnecessarily ambitious about monitoring their lives, after all, they are not married to each other yet. This has happened to people a lot over the years and even current relationships are still battling with this issue of unaccountability. People are like: “why should I tell you about everything I do? Why do you want know my movement?”

Many today (including relationship experts) have come to hold this belief that the standard solution for relationship problems is talking things through or better still, effective communication. A lot of the times, we put importance on talking things out. But there is something that I have come to realize and it is the fact that no matter how much we talk, our problems don't get resolved. Even when they seems to have been resolved temporarily for the moment, before we know it; they rear their ugly heads again, and we are back to square one. The truth is: talking is not enough unless we hold ourselves accountable.

Every relationship goes through series of actions and in-actions. There are times or occasions when your actions may not go down well with the other party. Actions most times will either send a positive or a negative signal to the other person. The funny part sometimes is the fact that, such actions aren’t even meant to hurt the feelings of the other person. This is why proper clarification is necessary and one being able to hold him or herself accountable for such actions. Proper accountability in this context then means to own one's feelings, and taking responsibility for one's contribution to the relationship good and bad.

Let examine this subject on a higher and advanced level, especially for those people who are currently courting. Most times, there is need for a courting couple to have a third party in which they are accountable to during the period of their courtship. Now, I know a lot of people may not agree with this since many don’t do this often. Courting couples accountability to each other could be selfish and emotionally driven. There are instances your partner may find it difficult to be accountable or does something the way it ought to be done if he or she is not being convinced by a superior person knowledgeable in that area.

In this case, it could be a mentor or a pastor. Usually, what either of these people does is to ensure that you both don’t misbehave while the courting lasts and they also most times, offer valuable advice as to how certain matters should be addressed. In the almost six years that I courted my wife, we have a pastor over our relationship. We chose him deliberately to be our mentor and pastor while our courtship lasts and the benefits of that experience was unquantifiable.

Initially when my fiancé then brought the suggestion that we should have a pastor over our relationship, I resisted it with so much passion. This was back then in the university. My thoughts were that: “why should I submit my relationship to a pastor? Was the pastor there when I came to woo you?” we fought and disagreed over this matter for a period of time but eventually, she won and then I obliged to the suggestion.

All through the courting period, the fear of God and the fear that I have a pastor who constantly asks questions about our relationships and how we were doing kept both of us in check (most especially me). To even make the matter interesting, my wife (fiancée back then) lived together in the same house with this pastor and his wife and so, there is nothing that was hidden from both of them.

Anytime we had issues during the day, my wife will return home with a sad countenance. When the pastor and his wife notice this was not the Olabisi (happy, vibrant) that they know, they will simply call her and ask: “what is the matter?” And knowing the fact that she wouldn’t want to lie, she would open up to them on the matter and if it was something that requires our pastor calling me to resolve, he would simply do that. And there were many of them that didn’t require my attention that the pastor would allow his wife to educate her on, and she gets the message instantly.

I remember we used to have issues about me not talking when we started off. The truth is: I am not the talking type. It is not as if I don’t like talking, I do. But I just don’t talk every time. My kind of person is more of the type within. I internalize a lot; I process things before I arrive at conclusions. Because of these special traits of mine, I would rather keep to myself than talking most of time. But this attitude of mine didn’t always go down well with my wife (fiancée back then).

She is the talking type and so, she wants to talk almost every time. She does not have problem expressing herself really. So, after she might have said so much, and expecting me as well to say so much, my unfortunate response to all she had said would just be “ok”. Most these times, she felt disappointed and she was almost quitting the relationship based on this. Now don’t be wondering why not talking could end a relationship. A lot have actually come to an abrupt end for this; it is called lack of communication.

If your partner isn’t talking, how do you know their intentions? How do you know if they understood you or not? Effective communication is vital for any relationship – be it friendship relationship, business relationship or even working relationships among colleagues in the same organization. This is why most organizations adopt the top-bottom communication approach so that employees can know where the organization is going per time.

So, it took the intervention of our pastor to help her understand that I might not be the talking type, but that does not mean she should quit the relationship because of that. The best one can do in this regard is to understand the personality of your partner and try to relate with him or her based on that. Talking at times is mood based. You need to understand when this person likes to talk and when he doesn’t feel like it. This understanding helped my wife greatly and then, she blended with it.

Now we are married, sometimes she still asks me if I am in the mood to talk when she wants to discuss important matters. But she has never had issue with me since that time of me not talking or communicating, she simply knows what to do and how to get me talking if  she really wants me to. You might be wondering why I have put all this information here. It is simply to show you the importance of having a mentor over your relationship. I know a lot of people would argue that this isn’t necessary, maybe they are right. But the advantages of having one outweighs not having at all.

Tags:      Courtship 

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